Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
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One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away