My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.