Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
This is so me 😂😂
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”