Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My kitchen overserved me.
True.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away