The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Steam Forums
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
This sounds bad:
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.