if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?