This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.