[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
this will hang in the louvre one day
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Monday
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂