YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Please do it!