It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
They also CAN sing✌️
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*cough*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Death certificates are our last participation award.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*