FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset