A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise