People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
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Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?