Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.