When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE