why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Whoa 😂
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Lmfaoooooo
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.