little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.