My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.