[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.