WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Life is a suicide mission.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here