In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004