GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Check out the legs on this baby