[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.