Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.