dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES