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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”