*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing