Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors