Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
knights of the ikea table
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.