ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
they split up moments later
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!