You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.