the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus