ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday