idk what he going thru but i feel him
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Everyone’s family
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots