Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
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If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Harsh but fair
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*