I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.