Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
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11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Message from the dog groomers
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.