The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills