I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work