when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.