In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
You Might Also Like
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry