In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.