Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The human personality is made of five key elements