Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.