[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again