A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
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*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.