Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
omg leave her alone
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.