Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song