Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?