Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.